Song of Chloe P., a Siren

Come, come. Sit beside me on this rock; it’s much more comfortable than it looks. Listen to me: all I want is to listen to you. Tell me everything: how you worry about losing your job,  how your boss doesn’t appreciate your good ideas, how you worry about obsolescence, how you worry about aging, how you worry about your hair thinning, how you see clumps of hair in the shower drain so obviously this worry isn’t all in your head, how you have been Googling hair restoration products, how allegedly there’s a laser cap that you can charge up and then put on your head for twenty minutes a session, three times a week, that will revitalize your hair follicles and arrest hair loss, how you feel ridiculous because men aren’t supposed to worry about superficial things like hair loss, but I will never tease you or trivialize these concerns, they are all legitimate, and personally I would freak out if I started losing my hair, which second to my singing is pretty much my brand, and I mention this not to center my problems or anxieties, only to indicate that I empathize with and relate to your concerns, none of which are petty, and particularly in this youth-worshipping culture impact your livelihood, as displayed by your condescending project manager Phillip who is eleven years younger than you, wears expensive, slim-fitting designer jeans, and “jokingly” calls you a geezer. What I mean is, I get all your concerns; they are profound, they are real, and I am here to offer you relief from them. There’s no reason to keep exhausting yourself on that demoralizing hamster wheel, trying to keep up with all those adolescent tech bros flaunting their craft beers and Harvard MBAs and pickle ball trophies, when instead you can sit by me, sharing my flat rock, your head in my lap, confiding in me your dreams and fears, since not only am I double-jointed and thus extremely flexible and able to engage in any sexual position, but also, and more importantly, I find you so fascinating and manly, so vulnerable and authentic, so brilliant and unique.